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To Editor:

I have solved all of our problems.

With an Executive Order, President Biden should mandate that every person in the United States take a “Political Ideology Spectrum Survey (PISS).” It will be graded on a scale of 0-150. The closer to zero an individual is, the more conservative they are. Likewise, closer to 150 indicates an extreme liberal stance. With a couple more Executive Orders, anyone scoring south of 25 will be expected to relocate to Texas. North of 125, you’re moving to California (Illegal? Who cares … anything goes these days, right?). These are your new extremist countries — name them and govern as you wish.

All you lunatics in California can look at the Tesla's in your garages that you’ll never drive because you’re forever locked inside as a result of the Coronavirus. That said, you can feel good about being energy independent with your wind turbines and solar panels and spend six hours on Zoom everyday brainstorming ways to make people feel good. You can get rid of your police forces because if nobody leaves the house, why do we need police?

All you bigots in Texas, go ahead and guzzle your gas. Feel free to shoot anyone who makes you angry or does not agree with you, then your militarized police force will come and shoot you. Preach hatred. Make sure nobody ever gets an abortion and condemn the opposing side who “loots and riots” while saying, “we would never do that [until it’s time to confirm an election result we don’t like].” You all can sadistically take pleasure every summer as California burns as a direct result of your actions…it’s all God’s plan anyway, right?

You each get a large landmass. You each get significant ports for trade. You each get your own way and an opportunity to drive your country straight into the ground.

As for those of us with a PISS score between twenty-five and 125, we’ll enjoy common-sense legislation guided by logical thought and a healthy amount of empathy for our fellow citizen. But all you extremists — please (blank) off and stop ruining our country.

Andrew Volcom



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